The Greater Beyond

Once again
Lightness returns
closely followed by content
and eventually happiness

I don't know my head from my feet
my friends from my enemies
right from wrong
here
with nothing to keep me together
with nothing left

There isn't anything like a really good, soul shattering love song but somehow the translation into reality and real life is much more messy and much more painful.

I finally feel different
I finally feel out of my immediate skin
I am finally liberated

I feel like a burden
I feel like I do not deserve love
I feel like I do not deserve contentment
I feel like I do not deserve stability
I feel like I do not deserve happiness

because in the end... timing, an external force... will find a way to destroy it, to take it away. And then you were just a fool.

I feel like I do not have any faith left. No faith in humanity, at least faith in my humanity and the people around me. No faith in love, no faith in fate, no faith in God (a god or any external force)... I do not have faith in the future because no matter what I do it never feels enough, it never feels good enough or worthy.

What happens when you are too afraid to be happy
What happens when you believe in someone, when you believe in an idea

I am really beginning to understand how truly stupid all of this is

I just feel like I am holding my breath waiting for something to happen to me... but with no sign of release

Alcohol + losing the love of your life 4 days before= emotional

I am trying to figure out what was genuine, what you truly believe and what were just wistful words meant solely to give me false hope for a distant future- words meant to make me think we will still be best friends and you will always be real and give me the same time and emotion you do now with your own friends. I hope I am not in for even more heartbreak when this friendship implodes.

I am just hoping that everything stabilizes and I will still know the you that I know... and we can be ourselves again

I am surprised how quickly I have been able to keep moving and be at peace with this. I dont think it is a reflection of my relationship, but a reflection of how much I have grown as a person since last year and how much I have matured since then. My mom and I have had several, wonderful eye-opening conversations like none we have ever had before. I think she is coming to respect me as an adult and individual. I am really proud of myself for taking the healthy route towards healing.

I am not saying that I am completely healed; to believe so would be foolish and naive. But I am finding myself left un-wanting, I am lacking yes. I miss this person in my life and what it meant to be best friends, but it is over. It feels over and I do feel done, done for the sake of a real partnership in the future. I have no guile or anything I feel was left unsaid- so I can truly just grieve and continue to move forward as an individual

Now I am just angry
I was sympathetic and forgiving all of yesterday
I was hurting and mourning the death of something beautiful
but now... but now I am just angry
I am angry that I care too much
that I care too much about the emotions and feelings of others

I made that mistake last time
and I sure as hell am not going to do that again
Why should I give a fuck if you are hurting
when you were the one to break it

I am too forgiving of people who are careless with the emotions of others

I feel like my insides have been pulled out and displayed for all to see
I cry everywhere... in the morning, late at night, at church, in a restaurant, in the car
I feel that odd cycle of pain: being completely at peace, being weepy and morning of the death of love, optimism for the future, anger at abandonment and then the simplicity of shutting down.

I feel like I am the only one slowly dying
slowly ripping her soul apart
- when I drive down that road towards your house, when I stand in my room where so many memories and firsts took place, when I visit the familiar settings of many of our beginning dates, visiting all of these places where love flourished

And now it is gone

I feel healthier none the less compared to last time
I am not filled with the desire to drown out my emotions with substances
I only feel like I am drowning 75% of the time
I feel the panic attacks even less

I guess I should thank you for that.
I should thank you for taking responsibility and being honest.

I feel so alive... I feel so happy and content- and fulfilled. I hope this feeling lasts.

I am afraid to write in that toxic journal. What if I do and everything goes back there again?

Backs are for sure the sexiest body part...

There is hope

I feel caged and trapped within myself.
I am bleeding.
I feel my optimist, my hopes, my beliefs, my love oozing out of me
I am being pushed away, shoved away
but now I am helping myself, pushing myself away
I guess I am helping you, making your job easier
because I know that is what you really want
you want me to go, to leave of my own free will
to set you free, to grow change and evolve without
anyone to answer to, without any expectation

So what do I do? I am trapped in a corner.

I wake up and get to church by 8:09 to go to mass with my mom because they are saying mass for my father at St. Luke's. I get there, and she is not here. I sat in the pew all alone by myself listening to mass. My mom showed up later with candles. We lit three of them, one for my Dad, one for my aunt and one for my Lolo. We say a prayer and then head off to the cemetery. It has been a while since I have gone back there. We clean up his head stone a bit, say more prayers. I refuse breakfast and then come back here, sobbed all the way home on the freeway in traffic. I am sure the people driving alongside of me felt bad. I got back here and do not move for the next 5 hours.

Accepting happiness and the perfection of anything has always been a struggle. The minute you let your guard down, the minute you expect too much, that is when the universe decides it is over. I am so afraid of accepting happy, simple, uncomplicated anything- because the hurt and disappointment at an unexpected, painful event is permanently scarring.

Believing in something is investing part of yourself. Believing for two is even harder. Why should I, after everything, have to have more faith and hope in the redeeming qualities of people.

I am so afraid that extenuating circumstances and forces beyond my control will snatch my complete happiness away once I have freely given myself to happiness.

I am never completely satisfied. I am always wanting

wanting
hurting
wishing
praying

I pray for you and the direction you are searching for. I pray for your happiness and that you will find your away, no matter it takes you. I pray for the people in your life. I pray for myself, my hopes and my dreams, and for finding that strength that I find to be rare and allusive. I pray for the life I wish to live and the lives my people dream about. I pray for us. I pray for our strengths and our beliefs- I pray that I will never lose my desire to fight for what I want and what I believe in, for the people I believe in. I pray for the beauty in life and all of the simple things. I pray for the house I will live in, the animals I keep, the children I may have, the partner whom I will make my life with...

most of all I pray for my sanity. I pray for dignity and that throughout my journey I will be allowed to keep all the most important bits and pieces of me so that one day, when I discover my true equal, I will be as whole and untainted as possible.

I am too afraid to face reality- I am too afraid to question whether I gamble too much, whether I am wrong